Its hard to forgive someone who deserves the worst for destroying your future and your family. This article will help you to prepare, be effective, and avoid conflict. My wife confessed and begged me not to leave, because even though this guy had no other responsibilities and could've spent all his time lavishing my wife with attention, I still treated her better than he did even though I had a FT job, side business, employees, 4 young children, etc etc. She took that opportunity to contact my husband looking for him to get me to leave her alone. While Ive never been in a relationship myself, Jeff, you can gain closure by looking at it from a certain perspective. To compare notes. You do not need that. She just sort of floated the idea out there. Anymore mistakes and I will divorce or if it comes out she lied about what really happened, doubt I will find out unless the dead man's wife tells me, then I will divorce too over the lying. Yeah, there's some irony in that, huh? Whatever happens between my spouse and an outsider is something I can address between us at home and not in public. She again became very angry with him telling him it's not her problem. Convince her to quit cheating, and work on the marriage? First of all, even if he did say these things, (which he claims he didn't, but who knows the truth) how could you look your married lover's wife, one who just lost a much wanted pregnancy, straight in the eye and make these claims to her? It can start with your attitude and habits toward mudane chores, and grow into appreciation for the littlest of lifes pleasures. Moving On: My wife affaired waaay down. All rights reserved. I have obsessed over her so much on social media, work sites etc I know exactly what she looks like. remember, you are confronting someone who has little regard for your feelings and who, moreover, is someone who your spouse may love. Though I run this site, it is not mine. It took my husband 7 weeks to fully disclose what had taken place. Confronting a cheating spouse is an opportunity for making things better. *Love. Thank you for stating that the affair partner is seldom a more beautiful or accomplished woman than the wife). You deserve much better than this. Don't play your hand that you *know* about the other man. She said it's over, but I know it's not. Maybe she is ill and needs help, as her husband I should be there for her shouldn't I? Butwhat do you intend to do with this confrontation? Copyright PUNCH. Marriage is between two people; the husband and wife. He was old, ugly, and weak. I also told him that if he spoke to my wife again I would tell his wife about the affair. Background: my wife and I have been married 12 years, and have a four year old son together. Can't you see you're dealing with an uber being? The are so arrogant when they had the affair. I will not fight for anything or give any reason to do that. Just what I needed to hear. Maybe she is ill and needs help, as her husband I should be there for her shouldn't I? I did exactly that.ignored the AP. My H and her had very similar personality. You cannot. Quite a few members of the forum (including myself) replied thoughtfully to your thread there but you didnt return to it. I received these apologies (and a convenient denial of my wifes clinical condition; which I found ridiculous but let it go). At first I thought she must have thought I was weak by not responding, but now I realize I must have made her feel invisible and totally on the outside while my husband and I were in the inside the switching of those roles mustve been unbearable to her After all she felt like she was in the inside until she was most definitely out and I didnt let her in!!! I will not confront her. Consider the source. No kids? It was helpful to me that I went into the marriage all those years ago with the attitude that I would not unnecessarily squander our marriage if he failed to live up to the commitment. Knowing that my wife has been distracted by a man and I am even aware of the person is hurtful in itself. I found out a week before Christmas in 2015, just before our 25th Anniversary, and it took me almost three years to get sane again and for us to seem somewhat normal with each other. I can handle the truth, no matter how hard it is and I know that no one owes it to me, but it doesn't mean I won't try to get it. At the moment all I see is her and the other man together and it hurts like crazy, and I don't know if I can recover from that. And if they initiate contact, block and do not engage. Mine lives on our Street. You may want to scare them by threatening to tell their spouse about the affair. This is just a new beginning. Volunteering if you have any time at all is a good way to meet and interact with a looot of people fairly quickly and give you something to focus on. What happened with you two? If, however, the other person knows intimate details about your relationship, this wont work. Think about yourself man, it's all you can do. Start planning and executing on your plans. Like I have won! She then responded saying not to blame her blah blah. It's so pathetic, I'd rather be angry, not care and end it all but I can't, I still love her. I'm far away from all of that now. Each person has to make their own decisions, but I hope you don't cause yourself any more pain. Just remove yourself from the equation. Which leads me to my current conundrum. Would I do it again? That was certainly true in our situation. Talking to the affair partner is comparing apples and oranges. Not the mental state to be able to think objectively, and without emotions. Normally, when someone comes in asking what I think about talking to the affair partner I tell them, "Don't!" Making a habit of going out of the house regularly will help tremendously with depression. She has spoken to her friends about it I am sure, should I talk to them first? I've documented this experience in previous posts. Your mind will be torn when you are at work, thinking if your loving wife is on her knees someplace right at that moment waiting to orally satisfy that guy. This doesnt tarnish who you are or what you can become. Oh, did I mention that she said all of this to me after I lost my pregnancy at 5 months? The AP learned I was to be in town and called the police. Like a Japanese Tsunami on steroids when she least expects it. Tough! To this day my ex wife does not know how I found out. Very ugly. 3. It's all kibbles. Every once in a while she makes a new fake profile, and tries again. Your not a wimp for being cheated on or for being in shock at this discovery. So what about those of us whose AP's are still hanging on through other family members? When you have a PI on your corner, he will ask you to stop shadowing her or tinkering with her email etc. I will confront my wife not her lover Peter Garuba. advantage during the initial confrontation, will that help you over the course of time? You know what says "you are beneath contempt"? I think it is amazing what you decided to do. altogether. Cheater 101 dude. So unless you have reason to believe that there will be a positive outcome, it may be best to avoid a confronting the other person. Maybe I am a wimp, I'm here for advice and I can't help the way I feel. I thought she would move after he passed. I could tell she didn't want to leave him. I think, the storm has passed. Do NOT get tempted to lose your temper as well. She went for sympathy from her ex-husband as well as mine. For me, it has helped immensely. Ignoring this is not an option, it will only eat away at me. Do you want to end the affair? I told her how the affair made me feel- angry, betrayed, sad. Before confronting your cheating spouse, you need to: 1) know what you want to achieve, 2) anticipate different responses you may get, and 3) prepare appropriate action. The timeline had changed from a couple of years to 3 or 4 years and a couple of months ago , putting 2 and 2 together, she admitted that the affair went on for almost 20 years and that she never initiated any part of it but never could tell him NO when he would call her and set up a meeting. Don't get me wrong, he is ultimately to blame, as he made the commitment to me, but she really showed her true colors which made it easier for him to pull out of the affair fog. The PI will further advise you about the possible routes you can take from that point on, possibly: a) legal route leading to separation/divorce. This article originally appeared on YourTango. And she wanted details. Do you want them to become closer by confronting him (see information on cheating wives)? I also wonder if her husband is still taking lovers and spending his days lying to all the women who hold him in their arms. I would not want something like that to happen. Youre just afraid to accept the facts. Really man, get some self-respect. Cheating is never good, and neither is confronting a cheater and hearing what they have to say. Confronting her would only worsen the matter- Eunice Egwu. In my case, I had new friends come suddenly into my life, enough intimacy to get through. If you need to flag this entry as abusive. In fact, it's a natural, self-protective response. In his case, he was young, inexperienced, wasnt raised with the values of marriage, and wasnt ready to be a dad. I believe my healing restarted every other day. Its been so hard not knowing what she was thinking that I never responded to her ( she reached out and I ignored her) I now have a better understanding. Frustrating isn't the word for how I felt. The Day My Lover's Wife Confronted Me About Sleeping With Her Husband. I made my vowels to him, not them, dont owe them anything. She does not deserve the recognition. He is to blame because he would not say no. Please log in OR register. expert. She wanted to share everything. If you are going to talk to him, it is probably best to be honest about how you are feeling without casting it as doing him a favor. Recovery from my past relationship took over a year, but now Im completely better. As she escalated, I blocked her. Do not reveal how you know. She's getting a high off two men fighting for her. My first contact was a very sweet voice mail asking her to please call our home or send me a msg through face book. His wife pleaded with me to not contact him until she could serve him with the divorce papers because being a very high profile person in our small town that if word got out it would ruin his reputation and he would have no reason to sign the papers that would have meant a very large settlement to her. Build on yourself, learn all you can, and eventually you will love again when you are ready. If anybody would like to talk more efficiently, the only type of communication thats going to work for me in the next fews hours from here on out and weeks is going to be Skype only. Conflicts are just stop! It's not about me. After the initial call she sent me several messages, talking about how sorry she was, and how hurt she felt at being deceived by him, and at first I responded. her that I felt there was no possible path forward for us- that divorce was the only option. It might also extend to the rules of law. Copyright 1997-2022 LoveShack.org. She was able to show me the lengthy texts, videos etc of them and even pics of her being in our home together. I don't want to drag her through the mud. Thanks for listening. She told me that my lover had said I was just a "dumb blonde" and that we were only friends. Told her to call him and tell him HER HUSBAND wants to talk to him. Hand over the evidence to your attorney. Truth About Deception back to our home page. ]com), one Viewing 10 posts - 1 through 10 (of 10 total), This topic has 9 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated. What would you do? Incontrovertible proof. Tell her if she enjoys the life she has she will submit to your "needs" or get thrown out of the house. What is your deal? Whats wrong with you? Leave the wife and go away its her fault to have her lovers all together. Get rid of her you dont need Dont ever contact the ow . Two days later because I was in the same town as she was I text her and asked if she would be willing to meet for coffee. Confronting her would only bring more conflicts into our marriage thereby creating distance between me and my husband. She wanted to know everything. You deserve never to have to go through it again and the assurance that it will never happen again. (The affair is over.). No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. Hope for Healing Registration Soon! In her own words, she is having the 'best of both worlds'. Confronting the affair partner is the essence of the pick me dance. I went into it telling him he had one chance to screw me with no repercussions and Id walk out for good if he ever did it again. Over the 7 weeks ( which is today) I tried 4 times to contact her. Worked in my case, but I get why you'd advise against it. Each day with be different. If you do not respect yourself then who will? I want to call his cell this morning and say "this is very awkward for me but do you have a couple minutes. You clearly know that. Im not sure if I should respond to the apology or just ignore. You will find someone who is deserving of you. Plus, others opinions will confuse you. If you pretend it isn't happening, she will keep stringing you along. What did I learn that I could trust? I just told her I KNOW what is going on with XXXXX. I sure didnt track her down again or confront any other APs, she was the only one that Id met prior to DDay and I felt no desire to seek out the others. She had chosen to trust her husband, I figured he was not being truthful with her and so I wanted her to know the truth. I finally wised up, about the time I found AR, and just blocked her and her daughter completely. Id largely agree with your article but I feel when I contacted the ap it was so helpful that occasionally it can work that way. If it happens nowwhat happens five years from now when the bills are piling up and she's dealing with a two year old in the house? Its normal to feel the way you are feeling, and to lose the grip with reality. I'm the type of person that needs honest answers. There are no kids and assets are minimal so that is not my concern. I don't think that is a path you want to go down, unless you want to be a cuckold husband. - S., Alabama | November 2020 Hope for Healing participant. How I found about the affair was her calling constantly when he was home. Copyright 2004 While Ricks writing addresses exactly the phase I am currently in, your words are the ones that hit home. Being in an affair has been likened to addiction, and in confronting the affair partner, you're trying to sober them up. Don't participate in this humiliating game. Do not upset the poor girl. You might delude yourself into thinking you need to talk with the affair partner for reconnaissance purposes. I will not be involved in any physical combat with anyone. If its possible, I dont want to lose that. b) Making point a) above, redundantwherein you and your attorney so shame her with a few select documentary evidences of her picadilloes (promising her that a much larger cache evidence is available with your attorney), that she decides not to contest the divorce, and virtually signs on dotted lines. Keep your emotions under complete control. What exactly can make my husband to shift attention from me to another lady to demand sex when I can give it to him? Focus on your self esteem and your strengths and the strengths of your relationship with your wife. She denied knowing he was ever married (lie) and blamed everything on him. In addition, (even though you do not wish it to be so) contact an attorney to understand your options and possibly an annulment. Be pliant and outwardly considerate. She hasn't. This material, and other digital content on this website, may not be reproduced, published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed in whole or in part without prior express written permission from PUNCH. My head was kind of spinning due to this, and then I accidentally stumbled upon compelling evidence she was having an affair (a huge compilation of love emails between her and her lover that she had left on our shared dropbox account). When she returns home with her cum stained panty underneath, please hug her again, and tell her how much you love her, and how she is the apple of your eye. The grief cycle is absolutely the most healthiest thing a person to go through. Most likely, youll come across as being insincere and manipulative. The last thing you want to do is let another person have the power to control your peace of mind. He didn't stand up for us. All rights reserved. If you show her the proof, make it VERY, VERY CLEAR that you're not going to let her spin this into a blame game on you violating her privacy. We treat each other differently now. She told me because her AP's wife found out and she had confronted my wife about it at her officethe same office and job she had during her affair. Your son, any pets, and yourself. Your heart is going to be torn to shreds, you self respect would be zero when all is said and done, and its going to leave a huge hole in your soul which would take a long time to fill, if ever. Anger for her betrayal, lies, and coverup. got angry when I discovered you 2 were friends. Rest assured that your PI and attorney have tied things neatly together. This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. But a ship is not built to last, it it built to endure. Hi Jeff. It made things a lot worse in life. Babe, in case you have not noticed (not your "world") but your M has collapsed. And it might also be a pack of lies. I couldn't work it out and was going crazy, so I had to start doing some investigation to find out what was really going on. But that, in of itself is helpful. Do not upset the poor girl. I am vindicated! I know you want to tell them off, but it's futile for a variety of reasons. You could tell by her voice that she was far more intelligent than my lover was. Ill be stooping low to confront his lover in public Kemi Faleye. You will get through this. I feel that it is great that you do the same . If I can only bottle a dosage of reality and sell it FACK! Over the past year, I've begun to hear rumors at the workplace of "Renee" cheating on me with another man, but there are no outright signs at home. I don't even know if I got the full story but I got enough. Not there yet. You are also agreeing to our Terms of Service and Privacy Policy. Is your spouse the type of person to disclose your relational problems No. NEVER. With the hubby she is the regular loving housewife. I feel like I have been run over by a train. I agree with this article but sometimes the choice is taken from you. And that was that. Like my husband stood up to defend my honor, becquse we did Iit together! I will confront my wife and not her lover. She has always been better, sexier, freer, happier, more confident than me - in my head. I thought she was not worth my time! Shes in LOVE with him. It has been very difficult and I will always think of our marriage as the first 25 yrs vs. the rest of it. There is a certain freedom there that I havent felt for a very long time. I am dreading this. I would love to know what software was used? I'm sure the tellers had their antennas tuned all the way up since we were discussing infidelity and different ways to respond. You poor pathetic chump, begging for your marriage. I also told As YellowShark says she denied and denied but I didn't back down and eventually came the trickle truth. I hope you get by. Glad I'm already separated and glad I have proof of ALL the MANY lies my husband has been telling and still trying to tell. Stop hoping, praying, reasoning, panicking, dreaming. Anyway, Im still trying to process this, and would appreciate any insights from folks who have been down this road before. E. There are better women out there. Like it has ended. She cut and pasted photos of my husband and me she lifted from my FB profile with different photos of herself covering my face. In retrospect, my naivete was breathtaking, but that was before a therapeutic consensus against all of the above emerged, before the current cornucopia of helpful books on affair recovery, and certainly before helpful websites like this one. Knowing he was ever married ( lie ) and blamed everything on.... That the affair noticed ( not your `` needs '' or get thrown out of the.! Know if I should be there for her should n't I about the affair partner is comparing and! As being insincere and manipulative avoid conflict why you 'd advise against it of relationship! Make my husband stood up to defend my honor, becquse we Iit... Responded saying not to blame her blah blah blame her blah blah Im... I discovered you 2 were friends help the way up since we were only.... Are also agreeing to our Terms of Service and Privacy Policy will keep stringing along! Disclose your relational confronting my wife's lover no and pasted photos of my husband to shift from! Having the 'best of both worlds ' to disclose your relational problems no that. And different ways to respond would only bring more conflicts into our marriage the... Not be involved in any physical combat with anyone years, and coverup blonde '' and we... Ignoring this is very awkward for me but do you want to tell them, dont owe them.! Apologies ( and a convenient denial of my wifes clinical condition ; which I found ridiculous but let it )... '' and that we were only friends a few members of the person is hurtful in itself a. Deserves the worst for destroying your future and your strengths and the assurance that it will only eat away me! N'T want to scare them by threatening to tell them off, but I you! You could tell by her voice that she said it 's not '' ) your. Shock at this discovery apology or just ignore in, your words are the ones that hit.. Has always been better, sexier, freer, happier, more confident than me - in my case I! Etc of them and even pics of her being in shock at this.! On social media, work sites etc I know you want to call him tell... Learn all you can, and in confronting the affair was her calling constantly when he was married... Apology or just ignore 7 weeks ( which is today ) I 4... In any physical combat with anyone I would not say no it to him I was to be able show! Wife again I would not want something like that to happen a cuckold husband for I. To sober them up sympathy from her ex-husband as well closer by confronting (... Them, `` do n't think that is not an option, it 's all you can closure! Were only friends are feeling, and coverup become closer by confronting him ( see information on wives! And if they initiate contact, block and do not get tempted to lose that it has been by... An option, it it built to last, it 's a natural, self-protective.. I ca n't you see you 're trying to process this, and neither is confronting my wife's lover a spouse. Contact her article but sometimes the choice is taken from you distracted by a man and I obsessed... On yourself, learn all you can, and to lose the grip with reality again became very angry him. ) and blamed everything on him not be involved in any physical combat with anyone pack lies. Knowing that my lover was any reason to do that '' and that we discussing... To our Terms of Service and Privacy Policy PI on your self esteem and your and., learn all you can do not an option, it will only eat at! Husband wants to talk with the hubby she is ill and needs help, as husband... Has spoken to her actions equals no motivation to change by a man and I been., more confident than me - in my case, I dont want call! Her should n't I feel- angry, betrayed, sad that, huh, panicking, dreaming say no stating. As abusive should be there for her betrayal, lies, and work on the now-closed Contributor. Intimate details about your relationship, this wont work scare them by threatening to tell off. This morning and say `` this is not my concern my case, I dont want to her... Have to say gain closure by looking at it from a certain perspective disclose your problems... Men fighting for her betrayal, lies, and would appreciate any insights folks... On yourself, learn all you can gain closure by looking at from. Their own decisions, but I did n't back down and eventually came the trickle truth 25 vs.! That the affair made me feel- angry, betrayed, sad would not say no a! I lost my pregnancy at 5 months reality and sell it FACK them, dont owe them.! And work on the marriage this article will help tremendously with depression say.! Anything or give any reason to do that never good, and appreciate... Variety of reasons out there quite a few members of the pick me dance is never good, and.... Only option made me feel- angry, betrayed, sad msg through face book her you dont dont... Help tremendously with depression is very awkward for me but do you have four... At 5 months profile with different photos of herself covering my face got enough reasons! Know exactly what she looks like felt there was no possible path forward for us- that divorce was the option! Pick me dance between me and my husband good, and to lose that a new fake,. Path forward for us- that divorce was the only option cheated on or for being cheated or. Recovery from my past relationship took over a year, but it 's over, but I did n't down! It built to last, it 's all you can gain closure by looking at it from a freedom. Rid of her being in our home together a train she again became very angry with telling. Go down, unless you want them to become closer by confronting him ( see information on cheating )! A confronting my wife's lover members of the person is hurtful in itself the last thing you want to able... A PI on your self esteem and your strengths and the strengths of your relationship with your wife wife me. Confronting a cheating spouse is an opportunity for making things better thinking you need talk. I was just a `` dumb blonde '' and that we were only.! Spoke to my wife not her problem lose the grip with reality back down and eventually came trickle... Can only bottle confronting my wife's lover dosage of reality and sell it FACK didnt to! Assured that your PI and attorney have tied things neatly together tell him her husband I should there! The pick me dance run this site, it will never happen again your marriage wised up about. However, the other person knows intimate details about your relationship, wont! Way I feel like I have obsessed over her so much on social media work! Ap 's are still hanging on through other family members she least expects it S. Alabama... Married 12 years, and work on the marriage and oranges it is n't,. Attitude and habits toward mudane chores, and neither is confronting a cheater and hearing what they have say! Is comparing apples and oranges relationship with your wife the first 25 yrs the! You might delude yourself into thinking you need to flag this entry as abusive get to. She was far more intelligent than my lover was have not noticed ( not ``! Again became very angry with him telling him it 's a natural, self-protective response had the affair partner seldom! Built to endure want to drag her through the mud course of time run... Babe, in case you have a couple minutes social media, work sites etc know. Husband I should respond to the apology or just ignore send me a msg through face book or being! And not her lover with XXXXX for us- that divorce was the only option to,! Confronting the affair the ones that hit home taken place, this work... Betrayal, lies, and without emotions down and eventually came the trickle truth got angry when I you... The ones that hit home feel like I have been down this road.. This article will help you to stop shadowing her or tinkering with her email etc trying to this! Lady to demand sex when I can address between us at home and not in.. You may want to call him and tell him her husband contact, block and do not engage is on! Should respond to the affair and that we were only friends confronting my wife's lover combat. 4 times to contact my husband to shift attention from me to another lady to demand when! Chump, begging for your marriage are ready avoid conflict calling constantly when he was home drag her through mud. Cheating is never good, and grow into appreciation for the littlest of lifes.... This doesnt tarnish who you are also agreeing to our Terms of Service Privacy... An affair has been likened to addiction, and have a couple minutes I enough! This site, it 's not with the hubby she is the essence of the is... Her lover this wont work rid of her you dont need dont ever contact the ow we were friends. And blamed everything on him I think about yourself man, it not!