i hate my husband because of his mother

However, my mother-in-law's fault is also to a large extent in all this. honeybeenicki Want to have a happier, healthier marriage? It's also very difficult to blame others when we're using I-Statements. Of course its not a good idea to leave knives sitting out, especially with a child in the home but even if she ran right into the blade of a loose knife, it would have just slid over or gotten knocked off the counter. All rights reserved. You do know that years ago it wasnt well known that babies shouldnt have honey, right? Overall, I feel for you. Duplex is a great idea. She didnt know what she was signing up for. He's "nice" and "helpful.". Shes the one who asked whether she was wrong for asking her husband to break his promise to care for his mother after they are done needing her free place to live in, and, sorry, but the answer is yeah. Then she can have her own space and her dog, etc etc, and you all live elsewhere (close enough to visit with the kiddos). Nicole Speaking of whichwho among you plans to hold your adult child to a promise made when they were younger and living a different situation? What Lies Do to a Marriage? Some disadvantages, including bad habits, can become more noticeable and annoying by time. She wrote: " I can truly and honestly say that I hate my husband because of his cheating. Learn how to date your spouse in marriage in this video clip: Indeed, you are lovers, but that doesnt take away the place of respect. Learn what to do when you dont like your husband in the following: Knowing what to do when you hate your husband can save your marriage time. My husband is wonderful but he seems to believe that since his mother is willing to pay part of the bills when we buy a house that she is needed. Is it normal to hate your husband? Like, angled so that the blade was over the edge of the counter, almost parallel to the counter. Yes, it is if he refuses to reciprocate the love and gesture. Free housing! Your MIL sounds ill maybe mentally ill, in addition to suffering whatever lasting effects she has from her stroke. You respect your partner by recognizing they are different from you through their opinions, experiences, and values. I agree that it is too much to handle, but her solution isnt the right one. It can pave the way for a better relationship. I dont remember much of it since I was so young, but from what I hear now as an adult it was really difficult to physically be able to take care of her. However, only attentive partners will care to ask what their partners think. This is why I love this site any arguements due to misreadings are address and moved on from quickly. This helpfulness demonstrates that he is being a "good spouse.". How Did You Decide Whether to Have Another Baby? It sounds like the son wants to collect her money and provide the care himself. Maybe next time fucking wait till you have your shit together? Also, they offer proven methods that will save your marriage. Now, my husband has medically retired from the Army and I am a full-time student and mom. I understand that you dont feel comfortable allowing her to care for your children. How Do I Make My Partner Realize Their Responsibilities? When you hate your husband so much, could there be another person? So Im glad you are able to access some of that sympathy for the letter writer. Why do I hate my husband? The best way to solve the dislike for your husband is to communicate. Stories of cheating husbands or abusive wives became a staple of your childhood. This situation can make you hate your husband and wish you arent together. You probably hate him because he is flawed. something random If you really can't get on with their family and are no longer on speaking terms, allow your partner to continue their relationship with them on. It sounds like they are all (MIL included) living in pretty shitty conditions. Sometimes theyre just desperate to get out of their current situation without thought to what is actually the right best thing to do. Wow- LW sounds horrible and whiney, poor husband,he married his mother. I hear you. From your original comment I wouldnt have known. His dad moved states, and they now have a strained relationship. It sounds like she has some assets so she probably would need to private pay but check out disability/elderly services with your county to see if there are local community based options to try and take some of the weight off of the caregiving which may make it more tolerable or help connect you with a care center for her if she is too unwell to live on her own again with sometimes help. . honeybeenicki Its a great setup but hard to get into, no? I dont hate my MIL but we will never be close. Promise or no, he does not owe allegiance to his mother OVER them. Working with people in this condition is taxing, so I really cant imagine living with them. I get that living there is hard for you. No wonder she keeps herself in her room all day. Had she never visited her? In fact, someone else may be a far better option. June 18, 2015, 5:10 pm. We think they have failed and hate them when they dont meet our unrealistic expectations. I Hate My Husband For Cheating on Me - Tips and Advice That May Help. BLOG. However, a husband attached to his mother at the hip might be more of a problem. We don't see mil very often for many reasons. You know- where folks can get an apartment-type setup, but they can get the level of help they need- be it someone to clean once a week or day or to help them get to appointments or take meds or whatever. If you and your partner disagree, you can talk through the reasons and try to reach a compromise that leaves you both satisfied. He learned this strategy early in childhood, often from a harsh and abusive or guilt-inducing . It was her idea to live with her MIL because she needed her, and know that she wont she just plans to leave her to her fate, and make her husband leave her too. by recognizing they are different from you through their opinions, experiences, and values. Being an older person, she must have a lot of wisdom to share and the LW isnt accepting that. Its all well and good to lecture about having compassion for the stroke victim but LWs first priority needs to be the safety and well being of her minor children. Maybe shes depressed. But I still maintain that Husband and his mother need to adjust their expectations a bit and really look into getting her into a retirement community. It isnt such a big deal, but the way she mentions it its like she flipped out about it. An experienced therapist will offer you strategic ways to communicate with your spouse. As a result, you begin to project your fears on your husband and marriage. M. MiraclesHappenBelieve. I want to know how messed up the husband is from how shitty of a mother he had. Could you be transferring aggression? Its a great solution and if you can find the entire building for sale, its actually often cheaper to purchase than a home that would provide you with the same amount of rooms. Apparently she moved in with their dad when he left. something random Accepting that fact will save you from getting worried. But straight out choosing to abandon MIL and not worry about it isnt right. Sometimes in order to be a good person, you have to accept crappy circumstances, and I dont think its wrong to acknowledge that you dont like it. It sounds like the MIL is going to need all of her own money so that she can be taken care of. And if Id been pregnant, I definitely would have run into it. These differences tend to clash when you dont compromise and make individuals incompatible. I screamed to avoid throwing something like my phone at his face, or my fist at the wall. 17 Signs Your Husband Hates You 1. For whatever that is worth. Wouldnt you want the same or is everything supposed to benefit you in some way? Well, you need to embrace both the good and the bad. However, you will stop hating your husband when you acknowledge your role in the situation. February 24, 2017, 11:43 am. In my minds eye, she was, like jumping on the kitchen center island to demonstrate how to swim the butterfly or something. If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married. June 18, 2015, 10:40 am. The stress that would put on me every day. Appreciate those gestures by reminding them. I didn't care because we were 16 & I kept secrets from my parents too so who cares. Research on narcissistic personality disorder would somewhat support this strategy. One thing you should know that being married to a husband attached to his mother is not always a bad thing. For those of you who have been raised by loving parents, even in difficult economic circumstances, this must seem like a no-brainer, a challenge but a sacrifice that any moral person should be willing to make. Be an adult, support yourself, and if you need help, accept it graciously and compassionately and dont look your gift horse in the mouth (i.e. Its really easy to theorize what it is like taking care of a wacko (through no fault of their own). Having a vagina does not automatically sign me up to take care of my husbands elderly mother or to act as his social secretary. So I suppose I really not adding much to the conversation here, so I will just end there. One such situation might make you say, I hate my husband. The first step to solving this problem is knowing why you cant see eye-to-eye with your spouse. When you hate your husband so much, the reason could be because you are unhappy with yourself. If you and your husband stop talking about personal issues frequently, it may affect your feelings for him. Eh, somebody would probably be far less stressed out (and hopefully much less bitchy) had she NOT decided to have yet another baby while both she and her husband are, apparently unemployed, broke, oh, and uh, homeless. Typical lovers arent just intimate with each other; they are also best friends. You cant abandon this woman who clearly requires a lot of care, and you cant ask your husband to renege on his obligations. June 18, 2015, 9:53 am. Like LW has to be held responsible for a promise her husband made in his youth before he had the life experience to understand the possible ramifications. ele4phant, Im with you. I guess Im one the posters that understands how stressful and difficult this situation must be for LW. It doesnt have to be living with them (while taking their money, ahem). So you want him to break his promise to his mother that he will take care of her (which as Wendy pointed out does not have to mean living wth her!). But who among us isnt? LW, you and your husband need to have a serious conversation about how caring for his mother in your home is going to affect your family and relationship. And you really need to discuss with your husband how he can fulfill his promise to take care of his mother without sacrificing your nuclear familys safety and comfort. I know what you mean, however that happens because of her tone in the letter. But she married her husband and he comes with her mother. You could find a place nearby so your husband could still go over regularly. She was FAR nicer to me than LWs MIL is to her. It sounds like the husband/son is dropping the ball and not fulfilling his promises to either party. Avail years best deals on our marriage courses! I promised my mom that she could live in the east wing of my giant mansionguess whatshes not holding me to a promise I made as a child. 4. He has to form a boundary between his new family and his family of origin. This is likely how she will always be, and she will likely require heavy amounts of care for the rest of her life. Put her in an elderly home already! TaraMonster Oh, I have no doubt shes overwhelmed. My Sisters and I Are Fighting Over My (Living) Mothers Money. I think it would be an act of compassion to carefully consider that other people may have their own reasons for having a completely different set of expectations for themselves regarding their parents/in-laws besides just being a bad son or daughter that doesnt care about a helpless elder. Statements like, How do you feel these days, can open up conversation and strengthen the bond between partners. The husband has a responsibility to both children to keep them safe, and that includes not allowing his mother to harm them, even if unintentionally. It will complicate your marriage more. How come you suddenly dislike your husband or slowly hating my husband? She came into this house totally unaware of the current state of her MILs condition, was totally unprepared to handle it, and her husband seemingly isnt on board with making changes (ie he wants to buy another house eventually and keep on living together). What Happens When There Is Lack of Attention in Relationship? She wasnt very nice to me at all for the first few years that I knew her even when she was living under my roof. Talk about sweet! The fact that Mom is providing the roof currently does not give her carte blanche for any and all bad behaviour. Also, they offer proven methods that will save your marriage. Express your feelings without sugar-coating, 10 Effective Communication Skills in Relationships for Healthy Marriages, If you cant get past why you hate your husband so much, it may be time for you to seek the help of a. . She could not function at home even with 24-hour help and supervision from her children. I think leaving when she no longer needs the financial help from the MIL and washing her hands of it just makes her seem crappy. Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram. What changed all of a sudden? . But the mother sounds like a narcissistic nightmare. that you have unconsciously absorbed from your environment. I understand that she must have felt desperate, but shes calling out her MIL for having bad judgment (as a mother and grandmother), when it seems like the LWs judgment is questionable, too. I am leaving a different comment than the rest.I am on the lw side.It seems like the husband is not really taking that good care of his mother.Just being in the same house does not equal care.I bet most of the care is on the lw.She cannot handle that with being so pregnant and going to school so it looks to me the care this lady really is getting is lacking.First off why are the pee pads just sitting there?Hubby should be picking them up many times a day then scrubbing the floor each time.Why is her room gross?Hubby should be cleaning that daily also.Since he does not work he should be cleaning her whole house daily also.Her hygene is lacking?Hubby should be taking care of that too.I bet the lw does most of the work and is just very overwhelmed.I would not bring a newborn in to that situation right therebut then there is a very scary safety situation with mil wanting to pick up newborn and she falls alot.Then the germs this mil creates with her dirty ways.Hubby is not really taking care of her and I say this because if he really was none of thease things would even be a issue.It is time for the sake of mil being safe and looked after in the right way to be placed somewhere.Also for the baby to be safe.If hubby does not do that no matter how much you love him I would leave if I was her just to keep the baby safe.In the usa this lack of care would be called elder abuse and comes with a jail term.I worked in nurseing homes.Even with staff to help it was the hardest job I ever had. For what we have (3 bedrooms, 1 bath on one side, 2 bedrooms, 1 bath on the other and a usable but not completely finished basement on both sides that are the size of the upstairs) we would have paid at least twice as much for a house with the same number of rooms (or even fewer). I just read your comment again. Taken time to learn what the MILs issues really were and what kind of care she needed. I have hatred and resentment towards him (from previous issues.. no cheating just disrespect) and tonight I decided I was DONE. And we even asked a contractor about the possibility of putting in an internal door in the future just in case. Now that she knows this about herself and also knows caring for her ailing mother-in-law is an unbreakable condition for her marriage, she will hopefully look for solutions that work for everyone. June 18, 2015, 10:22 am. But the tone in my response was inspired and informed by the tone in the letter (which I thought was a lot crueler/ unkind/ unsympathetic than my response and most of the responses Im seeing in the comments), but for what its worth Im glad there are dissenting opinions in the comments and that the LW is getting at least a little range of responses. If your husband is not able to be the caretaker for both the mother and the kids, is there anyone else in the family who can help out? Because if so, wasnt she stewing in her own filth then too? Why do I feel like I hate my husband? The harsh truth is that you have a vague and unrealistic idea of marriage. ? )and its very different. Youre willing to make the enormous sacrifice of living rent-free with your horrible MIL now, while you cant afford your own place, but as soon you have a job and wont need any of her finances, you will no longer be willing to make any kind of sacrifice when it comes to her and believe your husband should break his promise to take care of her? As a writer at Marriage.com, she is a big believer in living consciously and encourages couples to adopt this principle in their lives too. June 18, 2015, 10:57 am. If hes willing to throw away a promise to his mother just because things are difficult now, what makes you think he wouldnt do the same to you? She could have written in about the husband and issues with navigating her MILs care and left everything else out. The long-estranged FILs statement that the sons promise is the LWs promise is utter horseshit. My grandma had a severe stroke when I was about 3 years old, and my dads family (all 11 siblings) took turns taking care of her in my grandparents farmhouse. When my husband was two, she gave him weed to try to get him to go to sleep, and saw nothing wrong with being naked around him and allowing other females to be naked around him clear up to his teen years. Slooooow clap for Wendy!!! Its possible to dislike your husband and still love them simultaneously. Raccoon eyes But relationships go both ways, and I think all parties need to give a little. She definitely needs to be called on that. But when my husband made the promise to always care for his mother, he wasnt married, didnt have a step-child or a brand new baby on the way. Seen how she lived and what the conditions were? But Im not going to act like shes an awful person for feeling that way because I probably would, too. The womans her MIL. You may have your husband because there are underlying differences you refused to settle. Effective and intentional communication cant be overemphasized. I am also very sympathetic with the LW. Like other things in life, it has its problems. However, you should check yourself when you start drifting away from your partner. "I Hate that My Husband Takes Care of His Mother" In the beginning, I absolutely adored my MIL and had no worries about the promise my husband had made (long before I knew him) to always take care of her because she had a stroke several years earlier. She is not to be left alone for a single second with the baby. Its a daunting prospect to consider and I dont blame the letter writer for wanting out (on a purely emotional level). Do you have any unresolved issues with yourself? I hate my husband because of his father I disliked my in-laws before marrying my husband, since then his selfish father has become even more difficult, making snide comments on. Sorry, but is the MIL is that bad off, she belongs in a place where she can be looked after 24/7 and there senior citizen apartments that have such care that comes with them. It can happen very rapidly, one day everything is fine then the person is injured and in the hospital and when released they are discharged. I ask in passing how shes doing and Im always kind when we visit but its not my responsibility to check in on her just because I have a vagina. If couple activities were a part of your marriage and you stopped doing them because of busy work schedules, it may be the reason you have started to dislike your husband. Being married doesnt mean you wont find others attractive. And I dont think the anger the commenters are feeling is inappropriate, either. Now maybe its just me, but I would think any woman would be absolutely thrilled to see her husband follow through with a promise, for better or worse, in sickness and in health. Good luck. Nope, sorry dont buy it. 5. My apologies for my careless reading and commenting. Maybe before moving in with her (for free) she should have visited? 6. Im sure she *wants* to do those things, like take care of herself and clean her house, but she physically *cant*. Is there any money that can be spent on outsourcing care for the mother? to solve the problem. I think this letter writer is giving off the impression of being a bit self-centered and entitled and it might be helpful to point this out to her. To begin with, when you hate your husband, it doesnt necessarily mean you have no feelings for them anymore. We've always had communication and problem resolution issues. I have compassion for both LW and her MIL. You might say, I hate my husband, because he has hurt you a lot in the past. Id look into a home health aide. Certain events can jerk us back to reality when you find out your soulmate is flawed and imperfect. He talks to his mom about it. 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